My Life's Defeats and Victories

Posted by Peggy Lightner on September 27, 2011 at 10:51 AM

I was raised in a home with active alcoholism where my father was a violent alcoholic. I lived in constant fear as a child, learning at a very young age to hide my sisters and myself away when my father came home drunk. He beat my mother, he beat me and my sisters (when we were unlucky enough for him to find us). Unfortunately, both sides of my family were riddled with mental illness.

I lived in constant fear from my first memories. I was afraid to go to sleep at night and still don't sleep much. I have had chronic insomnia for as long as I can remember.

My mother divorced my dad when I was 8 years old. When I was 10, my father put a gun in his mouth and committed suicide.

When I was 15 or so, an older boy tried to rape me and after that, I started drinking and using drugs. The memories of my childhood had been triggered and the fear/anxiety could not be quieted any longer.

I married a violent alcoholic at the age of 18. He beat and abused me physically, mentally, sexually, and spiritually. I divorced him after 5 years of marriage.

On a trip back East, I was gang-raped by a bike club at the home of an acquaintance. I was still actively drinking and using at that time. The tension inside of me was building. I was 23 or 24 years old and I didn’t care if I lived or died.

My second husband and I lived a drinking/using lifestyle for a period of 17 years, riding Harleys, using illegal drugs and partying as often as possible. When I was 37 years old, I was in pretty rough shape and my younger sister 12-stepped me into AA. Within two years, my second husband left me and by doing so saved my life.

My life began to change in a positive way when I began to attend AA meetings, got a sponsor and worked the 12 steps. I also started back into therapy to address some of my other emotional/mental problems.

I was 4 years sober when my mother committed suicide. It was a very painful time in my life. I wondered if I would survive and started to question if I even could survive. I continued working, going to meetings and staying close to my AA sponsor.

I moved from California back to Ohio when I was 10 years sober to live close to my family. I was here about 2 years when we found out my oldest sister had ovarian cancer and died at the age of 53. I didn't know if I could go on without her, as she had protected me as a child (or at least attempted to protect me) from my father who was violent and unpredictable, and others who victimized and abused us.

As I got closer to the AA program, I continued to pray and enlarge my spiritual life. I had a decent spiritual program, otherwise I don't think I could have survived up to this point. I started attending a women's AA meeting in Springboro and began to grow spiritually. As  I started sponsoring a lot of women in recovery, my life began to improve.

Two years ago, I suddenly could not perform my job duties or remember how to do my job, and ended up losing my job as a medical transcriptionist. For the first time in my adult life, I was not employable. I had always prided myself on being able to support myself and now I wasn't able to do that any longer.

At that point, I had to surrender everything to God and totally rely on Him. My job was my last hold out. I loved my job, I was good at what I did, and I had previously made really good money as a transcriptionist. I had fallen from that to being on a mental disability which was a direct result of the continual abuse throughout my life and this was, for me, the lowest point in my life.

I started praying for God to show me what He would have me do, asking that He use me to help others.

In spite of my high anxiety, I began stepping out in faith, giving my lead, and telling my story in front of groups of women in AA meetings. I told them all of my story, hiding nothing, and my life began to improve. I wanted the women to see that I had stayed sober for 20 years, under some fairly adverse conditions, because God had been walking with me. It was my hope for the women to see that they could do it, too. I wanted them to know that even with mental problems, I had been employable in the past and was still sober. I began to get positive results after the leads. The women I sponsored in AA were staying sober. My life was being fulfilled by knowing I was possibly having a positive impact on others' lives, no matter how small. I gave all the credit to God.

I recently began attending SouthBrook. I have been praying for God to use me to help others and tonight, was moved to ask how I could volunteer at SouthBrook. I am feeling like I am already connected to the church. I want to do God's will and I have continued to ask God to use me to do His bidding.

Tonight, I was moved to write part of my life story. I stay plugged in to God and continue to ask for His will in all things. My life is awesome today because I am working for God and giving Him all of the credit. I am grateful to be alive, sober and somewhat sane.

My defeats (and my addictions) led me to AA and ultimately to God. God and AA have brought me to freedom from alcohol and drugs and ultimately, to victory over it all. My life is proof that God continues to work miracles for His precious children.